Overcoming Envy: The Neuroscience and Stoic Wisdom of Social Comparison
We’ve all felt it. That sharp, cold sting when a peer lands the promotion you wanted, or the subtle bitterness while scrolling through a high-school rival’s vacation photos. We call it envy, the "green-eyed monster." But what if this painful emotion wasn’t just a character flaw? What if it was a biological signal—one that you could decode and redirect?
In this episode of The Synapse and the Stoa, we explore the neurobiology of social injury, the psychological trap of the "yardstick," and the ancient Stoic strategies for reclaiming your peace of mind.
Part 1: The Synapse – Why Envy Literally Hurts
Neuroscience reveals that envy isn't just "all in your head"—it’s in your nervous system. When we engage in upward social comparison (looking at those we perceive as superior), our brain activates the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC).
The dACC is the same region responsible for processing physical pain. When you feel "stung" by someone else’s success, your brain is treating that social deficit as a literal injury.
Conversely, when a rival fails, we experience Schadenfreude. This triggers the ventral striatum, the brain’s primary reward center. This "gain-pain" reciprocity explains why envy is so addictive: our brains are hard-wired to treat relative social standing as a primary survival resource, just like food or money.
Part 2: The Psychology – The Trap of the Yardstick
Why do we compare ourselves to some people and not others? Leon Festinger’s Social Comparison Theory explains the "Similarity Hypothesis." We don't usually envy billionaires; we envy the people "like us"—our colleagues, siblings, and neighbors.
In the digital age, this has evolved into Hyper-Comparison. Social media provides a constant stream of "theatrical trailers" for other people's lives. When we compare our "behind-the-scenes" reality to their filtered highlights, we fall into the Self-Evaluation Maintenance (SEM) trap. We stop seeing people as allies and start seeing them as benchmarks, leading to profound social withdrawal and loneliness.
Part 3: The Stoa – Stoic Surgery for the Soul
The Stoic philosopher Seneca called envy a "self-tormentor." He argued that the envious person is their own executioner, suffering while the object of their envy is off enjoying life.
To combat this, the Stoics utilized the Dichotomy of Control. Someone else’s success is "not up to us" and is therefore an "indifferent." It does not diminish your ability to act with virtue or wisdom.
Epictetus furthered this with his Market Metaphor:
Everything in life has a price.
If someone has a high office, they likely paid for it with years of stress and lost family time.
If you aren't willing to pay that price, you haven't been robbed; you simply chose to keep your "currency" of peace.
Part 4: The Roadmap – Transmuting Poison into Power
The ultimate goal is Transmutation. Aristotle provided the key distinction between Envy (phthonos) and Emulation (zelos).
Envy is malicious; it wants the other person to lose.
Emulation is benign; it sees the other person’s success as a "proof of concept" that the goal is attainable.
By flipping the "Control Switch"—focusing on your own agency rather than the gap between you and others—you can turn the sting of envy into a "moving-up" motivation.
The 5-Step Protocol to Overcome Envy
Label the Sting: Recognize the dACC firing. It’s a biological signal, not a fact.
The Price Audit: Use the Market Metaphor. Would you actually pay the price they paid for that success?
Filter Check: Remind yourself that you are seeing a curated facade, not a complete life.
Active Goodwill: Authentically congratulate your rivals. It rewires the brain for "plus-sum" thinking.
Focus on Internal Goods: Benchmark yourself against who you were yesterday, not who someone else is today.
Listen to the full episode of The Synapse and the Stoa on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite platform.
Full Transcript Below:
John Sampson: Welcome back to The Synapse and the Stoa. I’m your host, John Sampson. On this show, we look at the toughest challenges of the human experience through a double lens: the cutting-edge neuroscience and psychology of the modern lab and the timeless wisdom of the ancient porch.
Today, we’re talking about a feeling that most of us try to hide, even from ourselves. It’s that sharp, cold sting you feel when you see a guy you went to high school with posting photos of his new Porsche. Or when a colleague who started after you gets the promotion you’ve been grinding for. We call it "the green-eyed monster." We call it envy.
Whether it’s wealth, professional status, or physical fitness, we are hard-wired to compare. We are constantly benchmarking ourselves against our peers, a lot of times to our own detriment.
But here is what I want you to understand before we dive in: we all experience envy from time to time. It is a fundamental cognitive process that has shaped social hierarchies for thousands of years. What matters isn’t that you feel it; what matters is whether you dwell in that envy, or reframe your thoughts toward the good.
The Stoics had a very specific name for this. They didn’t just see it as a "bad mood." They called it a pathos—a "passion" or a "disorder of the soul." For a Stoic like Seneca or Epictetus, envy was an intellectual error. It was a sign that your "reasoning faculty" had short-circuited.
Today, we’re going to look at why your brain treats a "social injury" like a physical wound. We’re going to look at the Stoic "Dichotomy of Control" and how it serves as a shield against the pain of comparison. We’ll explore how envy creates a wall of loneliness that cuts you off from the people who should be your allies.
Ultimately, I want to give you a roadmap to turn that "pain of comparison" into fuel for your own excellence. You have the power to overcome these feelings.
Before we get to it, I have one small favor to ask. Hit that subscribe or follow button, it’s free and it helps us reach more people who can benefit from this show.
Alright, let’s dive in.
Part 1: Your Brain on Envy and Social Pain
John Sampson: To understand how to beat envy, we first have to understand why it hurts so much. In neuroscience, envy is defined as a painful emotional response to someone else’s superior achievements or possessions.
Recent fMRI studies have shown that when you experience "upward social comparison"—that is, looking at someone you think is better off than you—your brain lights up in a very specific place: the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, or what we’ll call the dACC.
Now, why does that matter to you? Because the dACC is the same region of the brain associated with the affective component of physical pain. When you feel "stung" by someone else’s success, your brain isn't being metaphorical. It is actually using its pre-existing distress circuitry to signal a "social injury".
But here’s the kicker: this pain is highly specific. It’s modulated by "self-relevance". If you’re a guy who prides himself on his career in finance, you might feel zero envy for a professional surfer who wins a world title. But if your desk-mate gets a bigger bonus? Your dACC is going to fire like a Roman candle. Your brain specifically monitors threats to your identity and status within your own social sphere.
And then there’s the flip side: Schadenfreude. This is the pleasure we feel at another person’s misfortune. In the brain, this is handled by the ventral striatum, our primary reward center. Neuroscientists have found a "gain-pain" reciprocity: the more envy-related pain you feel when a peer succeeds, the more reward-related pleasure your brain produces if that same peer later fails.
It’s a toxic loop where the relief of social inferiority is processed as a primary reward, much like food or money. But ask yourself: Is that really what we want to spend our days doing? Rooting for others’ failure? There is far too much Schadenfreude in the world today. We take pleasure in someone else’s misery because it temporarily levels the playing field in our heads. But that pleasure is hollow. It doesn't actually make us better; it just makes the other person worse.
Shouldn't we take that energy and spend it in a way that makes ourselves and then our lives a little better?
Part 2: The Psychology – Social Comparison Theory
John Sampson: Let’s talk about why we do this to ourselves in the first place. In 1954, a psychologist named Leon Festinger proposed Social Comparison Theory. His core idea was simple: Humans have an innate drive to evaluate their opinions and abilities. Since we don't have an "objective" ruler to measure our worth, we use other people as our yardsticks.
There are two main directions this goes:
Upward Social Comparison: This is when we compare ourselves to people we perceive as "better" or more successful. And this can be a double-edged sword. It can lead to Benign Envy, which motivates us to improve, or Malicious Envy, which makes us resentful and discouraged.
Downward Social Comparison: This is when we look at people we think are worse off. While this can provide a temporary boost to self-esteem or gratitude, it can also lead to arrogance and a lack of empathy.
Festinger’s most important insight for us today is the Similarity Hypothesis. We don't compare ourselves to everyone. We compare ourselves to people who are "like us." Just like the surfer example I mentioned before, a 35-year-old middle manager doesn't usually envy Elon Musk—the gap is too wide. But he will envy the guy in the next cubicle who just bought a bigger house.
Later psychologists validated that our self-esteem is affected by the "closeness" of the person and the "relevance" of the task. If your best friend succeeds in a field you don't care about, you feel "reflection"—you're happy for them. But if your best friend succeeds in the exact same field you are struggling in? That’s when the envy hits.
In the modern world, this has been hijacked by social media. We are now in a state of Hyper-Comparison. Historically, you only compared yourself to your village. Now, your "village" is the entire world. Your brain is being flooded with "upward comparison" data points from people who are only showing you their highlight reels.
I want you to understand that despite what you see on highly tailored social media feeds, you never know how truly happy someone else is. You are comparing your "behind-the-scenes" footage to their "theatrical trailer." This "unidirectional drive upward" creates a constant sense of deficit. It makes you think you need that fancy car, giant house, or crazy expensive vacation just to be "normal." But, that is not reality.
Part 3: The Stoa – Envy as a Failure of Logic
John Sampson: Let’s pivot to the porch—the Stoa in Athens where this philosophy began. For the Stoics, envy wasn't just an emotion; it was a type of distress. Specifically, they defined it as "pain at another's good fortune."
Now, think about that definition for a second. If you are in pain because something good happened to someone else, the Stoics would say you are suffering from a logic error. Why? Because of the Dichotomy of Control.
This is a key tenet of Stoic practice. Epictetus, taught that some things are "up to us" and some things are "not up to us."
Up to us: Our opinions, our intentions, our desires, and our own character.
Not up to us: Our reputation, our bank account, our health, and—crucially—the success of other people.
When you feel envy, you have committed two major philosophical sins. First, you have placed your happiness in something "not up to you"—the status of someone else. Second, you have mislabeled an "indifferent" as a "good."
The Stoics called things like money, fame, and fast cars "preferred indifferents". They are nice to have, sure. They are "preferred." But they are "indifferent" to your actual happiness. Why? Because you can be a billionaire and be a miserable, hollow person. You can be a famous actor and be filled with self-loathing.
The only true "good" for a Stoic is virtue—the excellence of your own character. And here is the secret: someone else’s success cannot take away your virtue. Someone else getting a promotion doesn't make you less courageous, or less wise, or less just.
Being mad at someone else’s success doesn’t make any sense in this framework. Their success doesn’t rob you of your ability to be a good person. If you are focused on your own character, you realize that the external goods they have are essentially "background noise" to the real work of living.
Seneca provided great insights into this concept. Seneca was a man of the world—a statesman, a writer, and one of the wealthiest men in Rome. He knew what it was like to be at the top, and he knew how much everyone else wanted to knock him off.
Seneca viewed envy not just as a character flaw, but as a "passion" (pathos)—a violent, irrational movement of the soul that contradicts nature. To Seneca, envy is a "disorder of the soul" caused by an erroneous judgment. You feel envy because you have made a logical error: you’ve decided that someone else’s external success is a "good" and that your lack of it is an "evil".
But Seneca’s most biting insight is that envy is a form of self-torture. He famously noted that "Envy is a self-tormentor," a plague that rots the container it’s in. While you are busy being angry at someone else, they are enjoying their life. You are the only one suffering. The envious man is like a prisoner who hates his neighbor because the neighbor’s cell has a better view of the wall. Both are still in prison, but only one is miserable about the view.
Seneca would argue that being mad at someone else’s success doesn’t make any sense. If the other person’s success does not objectively deprive you of your own virtue or your ability to choose correctly, then feeling pain over it is a "logical contradiction". It’s a sign, as the Stoics said, of an "uneducated character".
Seneca wrote extensively about how envy is the "pestilence of friendship." When you view your friends as rivals, you break the "Common Good". Envy leads to social withdrawal and destructive gossip. You stop being able to connect with people because you are constantly scanning them for things they have that you don't.
This brings us to the issue of loneliness. We talked about loneliness in depth in episode 15, and if you haven’t listened to that, be sure to check it out.
Envy is one of the most isolating emotions known to man. When you view life as a zero-sum game—where if you win, I lose—everyone becomes a rival. You stop seeing your friends as brothers and start seeing them as benchmarks. This leads to what the Stoics called a "withdrawal from the common good."
Stoicism is built on the idea of Oikeiôsis—the "cradle of affection." We are meant to expand our circle of concern to include others. Envy does the opposite; it shrinks your world down until it’s just you and your resentment. It creates a deep loneliness because you can no longer be authentically happy for anyone.
You distance yourself from the successful person because their presence is a reminder of your perceived failure. The more you "pull others down" in your mind, the further you drift away from the community that could actually support you. You become an island of bitterness in a sea of potential allies.
Part 4: The Market Metaphor and the Price of Success
John Sampson: Epictetus had a brilliant way of dismantling envy that I want every person listening to this to memorize. It’s called the Market Metaphor.
Imagine you’re at a market. You see a man walking away with a massive, expensive fish. You feel a pang of envy. "Why does he get the fish? I want that fish."
Epictetus would ask: "What was the price of the fish?" Maybe the price was five denarii. The other man paid the five denarii and got the fish. You kept your five denarii and didn't get the fish.
Are you "worse off"? No. You have what you chose—the money. He has what he chose—the fish. You cannot have the fish and the money.
Now, apply that to the guy with the corner office or the ripped physique. What was the "price" he paid?
Maybe the price of the corner office was 80-hour work weeks, missing his kids’ soccer games, and constant stress.
Maybe the price of the physique was two hours in the gym every morning for five years and never eating a slice of pizza.
Are you willing to pay that price? If you aren't, then why are you envious of the "goods" he bought? You kept your "price"—your free time, your sleep, your relaxed diet.
You have the power to overcome these feelings by simply being honest about the transaction. We should be rooting for one another to succeed. Look to them as an example of how to achieve these things that you think you desire. Then, look at how they achieved them and assess whether you think they did it in a good and virtuous way.
If they did? Great! There’s one roadmap you can follow. You now know the price. Decide if you want to pay it.
If they didn’t? If they cheated or sacrificed their integrity to get there? Be thankful that you can recognize that you don’t want to go down the same path. You saved your character, which is worth more than any external "fish."
Wishing ill upon others—that classic malicious envy—will never bring you happiness. It only keeps you stuck in the "pain loop" of the dACC, waiting for a hit of Schadenfreude that will never actually satisfy you.
Part 5: The View From Above
John Sampson: To avoid falling into envy and other traps, the Stoic Emperor Marcus Aurelius used a technique called the "View from Above." He would imagine looking down on the world from the stars. From that distance, the fancy car, the giant house, the crazy expensive vacation—they all look like dust. They are transient. They are here today and gone tomorrow.
You might think you want that giant house. But ask yourself: Will you suddenly be happy forever once you move in? That’s not how life works. We have a "hedonic treadmill." You’ll just move on to the next thing that you desire. If you don't find peace inside the house you have now, you won't find it in a mansion.
Only satisfaction with yourself and your character will bring lasting happiness. You need to find that inner peace and the ability to be happy within whatever circumstances you find yourself. This isn't about giving up on your goals; it's about realizing that the goals are "preferred indifferents," while the way you pursue them is what actually matters.
And let's touch on loneliness again. Social media makes us feel "connected," but it actually fosters a deep sense of isolation through envy. We scroll, we compare, we feel inferior, and we withdraw. We become "lonely together."
The Stoic remedy for this loneliness is to remember that we are part of a larger whole. We are "social animals." When you celebrate another man's success, you reinforce the bond of the community. You stop being a spectator of his life and start being a participant in a shared human excellence.
Part 6: Benign Envy as a Catalyst
John Sampson: Now, I’ve spent a lot of time tearing down malicious envy. But there is a way to use this energy for good.
Remember that I mentioned psychologists distinguish between Malicious Envy and Benign Envy.
Malicious Envy is the "pain with a wish to harm." It’s rooting for their failure.
Benign Envy is "pain with a wish to improve."
Aristotle called this zelos, or emulation. It’s the feeling of: "He did it. He’s a guy just like me, and he achieved that. That means it’s possible for me too."
You can use benign envy as a way to motivate yourself to strive by emulating an appropriate ideal. If you see a man who is a great father, a loyal friend, and a hard worker, let that "sting" of comparison move you toward action. Don't wish he was a worse father; try to be a better one yourself.
This is how we turn the "Synapse" (the pain in the dACC) into the "Stoa" (the virtuous action). Instead of the energy going into the "Schadenfreude" reward center (the ventral striatum) when they fail, you direct that energy into your prefrontal cortex to plan your own growth.
Refuse to dwell in the envy. Reframe your thoughts toward the good.
Conclusion: Practical Steps to Overcome Envy
John Sampson: As we wrap up today’s episode, I want to leave you with some practical steps you can incorporate into your life starting right now to overcome feelings of envy and build a more fulfilling life.
Step 1: The dACC Reality Check. The next time you feel that sting, label it. Say to yourself: "My brain is sending a social pain signal because I am comparing myself to an external factor." Just naming it reduces its power over you.
Step 2: Apply the Dichotomy of Control. Ask: "Is this thing I’m envious of 'up to me'?" If it’s someone else’s success, the answer is no. Therefore, it is "nothing to you." Refocus your energy immediately on your own character—the one thing that is up to you.
Step 3: Calculate the Price. Use Epictetus' Market Metaphor. Look at the person you envy and ask: "What did they pay for that?" If you aren't willing to pay the price in time, effort, or stress, let the envy go. You chose to keep your "currency."
Step 4: Root for the Other Guy. This is the hardest one, but the most effective. When you feel envy toward a friend, go out of your way to congratulate them or help them. By acting like an ally, you train your brain to stop seeing them as a rival. This is the ultimate cure for the loneliness that envy creates.
Step 5: The Filter Audit. Remember that you are seeing a "highlight reel." No one posts their failures, their bouts of loneliness, or their moments of self-doubt. You never know how truly happy someone else is.
Wishing ill upon others will not bring you happiness. It only keeps you stuck in the "pain loop." Take that energy and spend it in a way that makes your life better.
You have the power to overcome these feelings. You can find that inner peace, regardless of your circumstances.
Thank you for listening to The Synapse and the Stoa. I’m John Sampson. For our show notes for this and all of our episodes, be sure to check out our website at synapseandstoa.com. And if you’re interested in early access to new episodes, suggesting ideas for future episodes, or connecting with me directly, be sure to check us out on Patreon.
